A lot of people shared their New Year resolutions last week, and I loved reading all of them. I love it when people post stuff like that. The vulnerability. It’s different from what we usually see.

I feel very inspired to use this New Year to help me reset and change habits from what I learned in 2019. Before I dive into 2020, I reflected a lot on 2019.

Reflecting Back on 2019

It was a year I had to go through to understand the gravity of life, but a year I never want to endure again especially with how I approached it. Despite it being one of the shittiest years, it’s important that I reflect back on 2019 so that I approach 2020 differently.

There was a lot of personal growth— a growing pain I’m still enduring and treading through—but a lot of confusion and feelings of hopelessness in 2019. It was the first time I understood the realities of life. The gravity of life. How high it can take you, but how low it can drop you. I think I lived life so naively for a long time. Privileged. Rose colored glasses. Distraction. I started to feel funky in 2016, but I opted to distract myself. But man, 2019 hit me hard. And changing plans to work full time in a 9-5 (more like 8-5 or 9-6) job really fucked me up. I didn’t know if the job was making me feel unfulfilled, if I was depressed, or if sitting in a goddamn office for 9 hours a day was the issue. Also, the pressures that I put on myself to provide for my aging parents and family really got to me.

I finally understood the realities of life, and I got overwhelmed with my own pressures and wanting fulfillment. My thoughts eventually became double knotted and tangled, and I couldn’t untangle it despite being fully conscious of its severity. I was no longer bliss, a trait I admittedly miss so dearly.

Frankly speaking, 2019 was a year of a lot of darkness with peaks of light here and there. Those peaks of light are often what we decide to share with others, not the darkness.

Don’t get me wrong. There were many great moments in 2019. I paid off my student debt and car. I paid it off! I did that. It feels so nice to not have debt. It’s a privilege to save. I took a trip with my friends to the motherland, Korea. That was amazing. I adopted my very own dog (not the family dog, but my dog), and she’s been the love of my life. I love my MayBee. She’s pure joy.

Looking back at this, these are major accomplishments. But I felt so, I don’t even know the word. I felt so _?_ that I never recognized myself for accomplishing these things. The shadows really got to me, and I wish they didn’t. I forgot how to celebrate in the midst of all of this.

I tried to push away all that darkness, but it eventually bottled up. It was like a slow, ticking time bomb. Like putting mentos one by one in a liter of Coke. It eventually reached its boiling point. The cap flew off. It was dark and then pitch black. Wooweeeee. You know the scenes in Stranger Things where Eleven falls into the upside-down, and it’s just black? It felt like that. But with the gravity just pulling me down and my mind spinning down with it, concurrently.

I thank all my close friends and family for tolerating me during these times. I wasn’t even Sarah. I apologized profusely for not being myself. I missed being called annoying. I missed that annoying Sarah. I couldn’t get myself to follow my own advice because I felt selfish if I did so. I felt like I was disappointing others, myself, and not up to speed with where I wanted to be if I truly did follow what my intuition was telling me. I felt like I was taking advantage of my privileges if I did. But I eventually said fuck that. I need to relearn how to love myself. I can’t move forward in life if I don’t give myself enough love. I decided to step back and breathe in the last quarter of 2019 and take appropriate action in order to move forward in a healthy manner.

That was the first time I listened to myself, not the advice of others, and it was the best decision I made. It was the first time I felt my sense of internal locus coming back. It was the first time I didn’t feel miserable. It was the first time in months I felt excited for what was to come.

So with that in mind, I welcome 2020 with open arms. 2019 was one hell of a year to reflect upon. On a fun note, throughout 2019, I wrote stuff in my phone whenever I felt an “a-ha!” moment or applied something new to my life. Some serious stuff, random stuff, and fun stuff.

The last lesson touches more about what I just wrote above. Mental health and feeling happy is important, and I wanted to share what actions I took and currently taking. If you want to continue reading my journey, and skip the witty lessons, click here— it’ll scroll you down there.

I hope you enjoy this read.

You don’t have to finish all the food if you’re full

Maybe a no brainer, but if you’re full, stop eating. If you can’t finish it, don’t finish it. You’re not a trashcan. Either take it to-go or serve yourself starting with small amounts.

Don’t grunt, rolls eyes, or make any noises that indicate you are unhappy/complaining

Grunting, rolling eyes, making those unnecessary noises does not solve anything, and it’s not fun to be around that energy. I just be quiet.

Be gentle with your mom. She loves you more than anyone else.

I remember reading this tweet:

madoff-realslimsantana-my-mom-be-cutting-up-fruit-bringir-26688949.jpg

I have an amazing mom. I love her so much, and I cherish every moment with her. But there are times when I let my frustrations out onto her. It’s kind of weird, but I feel like we hurt the ones we love the most, paradoxically, because we know they won’t leave us. I learned that I need to be more gentle, and not let this excuse get to me. My mom is my rock.

If your mom is in a bad mood, STAY AWAY FROM HER. Trust me.

Menopause.

50 year old women are annoying. But understand they’re going through menopause.

Again, menopause.

Be kind, but don’t forget to stand tall.

One thing I learned this year is that kindness has its limitations because some people will sense that kindness and take full advantage of that. I’ll always strive to be kind to everyone, but I can’t be afraid to speak up when something goes wrong.

There ARE no limitationS on gratitude though

I learned how important it is to express gratitude towards someone. Anytime I feel thankful towards someone, I’ll let them know clearly.

It feels so cheesy to write that, but I like cheesy.

Annual checkups for dogs

Just like how I get my yearly blood work done to check that I am healthy, dogs need to get that checked too. That blood panel says so much about their health and is key for preventive health. The vet told me that dogs younger than 7 need annual checkups. Older than 7 dogs needs to be checked semi-annually. My Maybee is insured as well.

Be direct with what you want

I’m a pretty blunt person, but I wasn’t blunt with what I wanted. Meaning, I could easily tell others my opinion on something that didn’t pertain to me.. but I would always be afraid to tell others what I wanted. I wanted to be perceived as easygoing and not troublesome. But there are times when it’s not fair for me to be easygoing. I can’t be easygoing with salary negotiations. I can’t be easygoing with other people not valuing my time. I can’t be easy going with my health, etc.

If I want something, I’ll go get it or ask about it. Because the worst thing that can happen is getting a “no” for an answer. It saves so much wonder, so many “what if” questions, and things get done.

Rule of thumb when buying shoes for others

I love buying shoes for people— it’s a great gift! It’s an item we can use everyday, it can be fashionable (maybe not the Crocs seen below though), and it’s personable. But one thing that is hard with buying shoes is sizing. You won’t know if something fits until it’s worn.

Buy both sizes just in case and return the lesser fitting pair.

“You can easily just be the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A lot of people live by the notion of give and take. I’ll do this for you, if you do this for me. You owe me this and that because I did this and that. There are some people though who don’t live solely on that notion. They’re true gems.

While skincare is important, don’t forget about HAIR CARE

There’s a lot of hype and trend on skincare— but I don’t think there is enough attention going towards hair care. 2019 was a pretty stressful year for me, and I noticed that I started to lose hair when my stress levels peaked. I love my hair, and it was disheartening to see it become so weak. I have a hair care routine now, just like I do with my skin, and I look forward to maintaining that routine and seeing my hair improve.

Marry/date someone that eats well. Picky eaters can get the fuck out!

This advice comes from my mom. My mom always told me that if I marry, I have to marry someone who eats well. I didn’t really understand this until this year. Food is a huge part of my culture and passion. New food, new ingredients, new appliances excite me. You should have seen me when I purchased an air fryer. That shit is amazing (it’s so different from a conventional oven!!!)— I want to share that passion with others. I absolutely love it when people are open to trying new foods. It’s very enlightening and warming of a person.

Text / call back as soon as you can

I’m still working on this one. I’m pretty bad at texting and calling someone back. It’s a really bad habit of mine. These people put in the effort to reach out to me, and I should have the courtesy to reply at least within the day. If I have the time to go on social media, then I have the time to reply back to my messages, as this should be a priority over the former.

Only flake out if you have a true emergency

I used to flake out a lot. It was a really shitty habit. I only flake out now if I have a true emergency. Instead of responding “maybe” to an invite, I’ll say “no” now. I’ve learned to own up to my commitment and respect people’s time.

It’s okay to call out people if done politely

Call out strangers if they treat you or others like shit. You won’t see them again anyways. But remember to be kind.

This also applies to friends, family, and all relationships. This is something I really struggle with, especially calling out my friends. But I’ve been doing it. And my friends are amazing, and we will talk our feelings out, apologize where it’s needed, and move on with life. It’s so important to do this because no relationship is perfect and communication in FRIENDSHIPS is just as important as communication with your girl/boyfriend. I feel like it’s so underrated in friendships. It’s better to speak up than let all those emotions bottle up.

Wear computer glasses, especially if you are in front of the computer screen often

My optometrist told me that the screen really damages our eyes, and that all people working in front of these screens should be wearing these lenses, even if they don’t have a prescription. To think of it, with the increase in screens and technology, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Who knows how fucked up our eyes will be in the future if we don’t. We’re the guinea pigs to all this new technology.

I don’t have that strain and exhaustion in my eyes anymore.

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive” - The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls.

To grieve the loss of a relationship you once had is expected… we’re growing up. Whether that be with a significant other, the health decline of someone you dearly love, friends moving with their significant others, etc.

talk to a baby like you do with your peers

I don’t know if I can follow this lesson because I admittedly baby talk to my dog, haha. But I was talking to this 1-2 year old baby, and she knew so many words with phenomenal pronunciation. I asked the mom how so, and she told me she simply doesn’t baby talk.

Always negotiate your salary when offered a job, but be aware of your limitations

Negotiating a salary is a no brainer. They will expect you to negotiate because they will start with the lowest base pay. But there needs to be a good balance of asking for what you want because no one should ever low ball you and knowing your limits of how much you can negotiate with the employer. Once the ball is back in their court, they can walk away with that ball.

A company that respects you will give you a couple of days to think about your job offer

Otherwise it’s considered an explosive offer. Turn around and walk the other way if you are ever offered that.

It’s okay to not be in the career you want yet

Things take time, and I have to remind myself of that. I’m still in my 20s. But in the meantime, I need to be at a place where I can thrive and grow.

Office jobs / 9-5pm aren’t for everyone

I learned that some people actually love the 9-5 life. One of my friends loves it because he just has to commit to those hours. Once it’s 5pm, he has no responsibility after that, but just time to himself. He says he feels so free as opposed to when he was in school where he always felt so stressed. Then I have friends who can’t stand office jobs and staring at the screen all day. Both are totally valid. And forcing yourself to mold into something you don’t like can really fuck up your mental health. It’s okay to not settle with what is the norm, but ask yourself that question— Is the 9-5 not for me or is the job just not fulfilling or am I just naive? Give everything a solid chance.

"If you're twenty-two, physically fit, hungry to learn and be better, I urge you to travel — as far and as widely as possible. Sleep on floors if you have to. Find out how other people live and eat and cook. Learn from them — wherever you go." - Anthony Bourdain

I decided to live pretty modestly and frugally after graduation so I could not only pay off my debt, but also save up to travel. I traveled to Korea with friends in the late Fall of 2018. Then I embarked on a solo trip to Spain in the last quarter of 2019. Both experiences were incredibly eye-opening. I love traveling and immersing myself in new cultures. I love meeting new people. I love reconnecting with people. Heck, I love airline foods too lol.

There were many moments in Spain where I sat next to a native and communicated with them in laughter and smiles. It was so beautiful. These moments showed me to really enjoy the present and not take life so damn seriously.

Happiness is A simple language to understand

If someone is happy, then that’s that!

Someone once questioned my happiness, and it kind of took me by surprise. I looked at the text, and just wondered why they were so curious about my happiness?

Get in the habit of living a healthy lifestyle now

It’s much harder to do it later. It’s a priceless investment to focus on my health now, when I am young and just starting to ripen, than it is when I’m older. I try really hard to exercise everyday (outdoors because I love the sun’s warmth and the view of the mountains), eat healthy, work on my mental health, and do other fun stuff in moderation.

I completely cut out caffeine too. It’s scary how it’s the norm to be addicted to that stuff.

Last, but not least.

Physical health is important.

But please

don’t forget about your mental health

To recap this blog post, the biggest lesson I learned in the last quarter of 2019 was the importance of loving my myself.

I remember I was sitting in car with a good friend of mine in senior year of high school, Thomas. We were talking about life, and he told me,

“Sarah, you can run as much as you want, but you can’t run away from your problems”.

I finally understood that this year. I forgot how to love myself for a good chunk of 2019. I eventually became aware of my state of mind and confronted it.

I totally neglected my mental health when I needed it the most. And it wasn’t like I was purposefully avoiding my mental health. I truly just had no idea that my mental health was declining because it’s not as obvious as it is when our physical health declines. I’m not someone who is in denial, I don’t mind confronting issues and owning up to it. I truly just thought I was in a long rut, or it was PMS, etc. Plus, it’s not really talked about either, especially in an Asian household.

But yeah.. Eventually, I couldn’t process my thoughts. The thoughts occupied too much space. The Coke liter exploded (remember my weird mento analogy in my reflection above). My thoughts became very disorganized and fuzzy, and yet I was conscious of all of it. I was no longer bliss. But too conscious. Conscious yet unable to solve the issues. I felt very anxious, stressed, and sad.

Anxious, stressed, and sad about—

My parents aging, and not feeling like there was enough time
Pressures to be able to take care of my parents, financially
Not feeling fulfilled with my career/job
Brother going off to medical school → more pressure I put on myself because he will be MIA for a good decade studying and in debt

All these emotions made me in competition with myself. Not others, but really myself. I felt disappointed with myself. I didn’t have any remnants of love for myself. I missed Sarah.

I realized I needed to take action, especially when my mental health started to affect my physical health—my physical health was not the only thing that alerted me though. No matter how much energy I put into improving my physical health, my body couldn’t keep up as my mental health started to decline. Mind over matter. I got sick really easily. I got a really bad psoriasis flare up. It was hell. I lost my period for months because of the stress. I became pretty underweight. The list goes on. I still feel a lot of remorse for putting my body through that. Everything is okay now by the way—our bodies are truly amazing, and I cherish every single part of it.

My primary doctor was able to connect the dots between my mental health and physical health. Things made sense once we faced the issues candidly. When the physical health issues were resolved, she followed-up and told me to prioritize my mental health. She urged me to consider therapy and go on from there. Sounded like a solid plan so I decided to take action and truly make myself the number one priority.

Here’s what I did and currently doing (as of 2019/2020)—

Quit my office job for a meaningful job
Booked a solo trip to Spain
Accepted the opportunity to work remotely
Going to therapy
Exercising every day, mentally and physically
Getting back into the groove. Hobbies.

These weren’t easy decisions, and I’m not advocating for everyone to just quit their jobs just like that and go to Europe. There were a lot of calculated risks I took with this— I was giving up a job with great stability, but I had other job offers awaiting for me that would allow me to work remotely on a hybrid schedule. These decisions kept me up at night, and there was a lot of reckoning to this amidst the chaos. I knew I had to make a decision based on my logic, not my emotions. Emotions are incredibly deceiving at times. Once I was able to do that, I knew what to do. And it felt so right and good once it was done. But I do have to say— if I could have stayed at my office job, I may have. It was a good job with amazing people. I just had to do what was best for myself.

I’m now working for a meaningful company, and I work part remotely. It’s been going well, and it’s what I need at the moment. It feels like a good compromise, to say the least.

Also, this decision to quit my job made me very conscious and aware of my privileges, opportunities, and to some degree, selfishness. For the longest time, I didn’t take action because I felt guilty for taking advantage of these privileges (along with other reasons), but I remind myself every day that it’s okay.

I booked a solo trip to Spain after quitting my job. A typical move, yeah yeah. I forgot how to have fun in 2019—I was in this constant cycle of just waking up, working, then going to bed. On the bright side (yes, a bright side! lol), this cycle meant that I was able to save some money since I wasn’t spending money while working. Roundtrip tickets to Spain were only $325, and the timing and budget checked out, so it was feasible for me to go. But beyond the feasibility, it was a trip that I didn’t know I needed until I got there.

I felt very liberated in Spain, and it felt good to feel again. It certainly didn’t cure or solve my issues, but it broadened my perspective on life and gave me a sense of control again. I was genuinely smiling a lot during this trip, needless to say.

Lugging ma’ luggage in Madrid, Spain (Fall 2019)

Therapy. I started to go to therapy. I think this deserves its own blog post because it’s quite an experience. A good experience, that is. I really urge everyone to go therapy if it fits, especially if you have insurance. I’m currently seeing a psychologist. He helps me organize my thoughts. He helps me confront situations I dug so deep. He helps me understand dynamics of different scopes like my family, culture, and relationships. It’s so weirdly fascinating how much it helps. I wish I considered therapy way earlier. I’ve learned that finding the right therapist is difficult and getting to know them takes awhile, but all these steps are so worthwhile.

I’m working on my physical health as well. I workout first thing in the morning, everyday. First thing in the morning so I don’t have time to make excuses. It helps to set the tone for the rest of my day too. I also engage myself in small activities for the sake of my mental health. This includes journaling and reflecting on my long and short term goals everyday. Goals are so important. Long term goals. Not bullshit “goals” that distract you from reality.

Aside from exercising, I’m getting back into the grooves of engaging in my hobbies. Hobbies beyond just getting food and hanging out. But do those even count as hobbies? I mean, hobbies that are very personal. Personal niches. Blogging is one of them for me. I really hope to write more. I lose time with my hobbies. I love it.

So here we are, 1 week into 2020. These actions I’m currently undertaking are helping me tremendously. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all flowers and bubbles. I’m just in the beginning stages of learning how to love myself again. There are good and bad days. And to be honest, I don’t even know if I should be using past tenses in what I just wrote for some of these things because I’m still in the process. But what I do know is that I have that sense of clarity coming back again, and I’m determined to set the foundation for what is to come.

I’m excited for the future. My future. I not only welcome 2020 with open arms, but with love and sincerity.

Taking action in Seville, Spain with open arms, quite literally (Fall 2019)

Hello 2020 indeed. I’m not hoping for a good year, I’m going to make it a good year.